Question:  Do your friends really know you?  Do they listen to you?

Answer:  We have all heard the blah, blah, blah that 500+ people in your social network doesn’t translate to the real world and that it is critical to cultivate a handful of real friends who really know you.  At 3:02PM EST, April 15, 2013, I was surprised.

I was conducting a coaching call that began at 3:00 when call waiting appeared not once but several times within three minutes, all with different telephone numbers.  Not wanting to interrupt the client, I glanced at the telephone numbers and recognized them all:  Katye from Indianapolis, Kathleen from Las Vegas and then Joyce from Newport Beach all calling within seconds of each other. Finally, I placed my client on hold, answered, and was met by a rush of words:  “You are safe—I was so worried. I thought that you were at the finish line.” “What are you talking about?” I asked. “Don’t you know?” No, I didn’t know. And, I didn’t know that my friends across the country knew me so well.

For over 25 years I have been at the Boston Marathon Finish Line.  I wait until the male and female winners cross the finish line, then I cycle from Heartbreak Hill.  When I arrive on Boylston Street, the prime spectator seating has thinned and the real Marathon fans replace the dignitaries in the previously reserved and now free area.  By around 3:00PM I have claimed a free seat in the bleachers—close to the street so that I can watch my bicycle

The first bomb exploded at 2:50 EST.

Why am I telling you this story?  I was surprised that although I had never talked in detail about the Boston Marathon, my friends had been listening.  How well do your friends know and listen to you?  Consider:

• When you are not with your friends, do they know about the activities and interests you enjoy that differ from their interests?
  • What are the “blind spots” in your relationship?
  • When issues/concerns arise in your conversation with friends what do you do?  Change the subject? Ask questions?
  • Are you comfortable disclosing information about your personal life?

Given my love of the Marathon, why did I schedule a coaching call at 3PM? By doing so, I was breaking my “don’t work on holidays” rule.  I had a “gut” feeling and broke my no work rule.  Beyond that I don’t have an answer and now I no longer wonder why I made that decision.  Today, I am thankful –and my friends are, too—that I did. Boston Strong.

Q: I got fired.  Twenty years on the job and then in less than one week—out the door.  My whole group got fired. I am so ashamed.   What should I do?

A:  Wait a minute:  it sounds like you were laid off or downsized along with the rest of your group/department.  It seems that you weren’t the target of the action; you were sweep up in a business response to overall performance.   In other words, the decision was not personally directed at you.  Go back and determine:

• What happened exactly the day you lost your job?
• Did your manager call you in and say:  “You are fired!”?
• Or, did you manager say that the company was restructuring, reorganizing, or downsizing?
• Did you turn down an offer from your manager to move geographically? Or to accept a lateral appointment?  [Note:  if yes, why? Out of anger?]

Because you feel ashamed, you may not be seeing things clearly. Give yourself some space and, please, please stop blaming yourself for the loss of your job.  Now check your emotions: Feeling ashamed can be toxic and send you into a downward spiral.   Ask yourself:

• Am I responsible for losing my job?
• Am I responsible for the current condition of the company that led to the decision to eliminate my group?
• Did you have a “feeling” that this would happen?  Did you ignore the signals?  [Note:  If yes, stop beating yourself up by Monday Morning quarter backing]

Remember to be accurate about the circumstances of your job loss and don’t tell friends and colleagues that you were fired, because it probably isn’t true.  And, above all, be kind to yourself and create a space to bring positive energy and action to craft the next chapter of your life.

Q. I am shocked.  My best friend is in ICU. I can’t stay focused on work—honestly, I can’t pay attention to anything.  How can I get through this?

A:  My heart goes out to you and may your friend have a full recovery. I can appreciate the initial shock of seeing your previously healthy friend now in a hospital bed. The situation is likely to be more unsettling because of the urgency and unfamiliarity of the ICU.  Now that you have seen your friend in this condition and in this environment, make certain that you have the basic questions answered:

• Is your friend receiving the quality of care and attention needed to address their situation?
• Are you in communication with your friend’s immediate family?  If yes, the health updates may be comforting
• How often do you visit?  How long do you stay? Remember that patients in the ICU need to rest.  You may find this website with visitation tips helpful.

It is only natural to be distracted from your everyday routine, but your goal is to incorporate your friend’s health challenge into your routine.  In other words, shift from being shocked to understanding and maybe even accepting the situation.  Now turn your attention to work:

• Do I need to re-schedule appointments?  Change project deadlines? Note: Take a close look at your appointments to ensure that you can keep your commitments.
• What can I take off my plate?
• What is the time of day that I lose focus?

Don’t waste time trying to ignore your thoughts or beat yourself up because you are distracted.  Take a walk.  Grab a coffee or tea.  And remember that this probably isn’t the first time that an unexpected event or situation made it difficult to focus.  I suspect that you are forgetting how resilient you are.  Give yourself credit.   Be patient and kind to yourself and to your friend.

Q:  It just slipped out.  I am mortified.  Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut?

A:  You are asking an important question and I am going to present two different viewpoints based on whether you were reprimanded because of what and how you said it or you simply feel bad about your behavior. There is a big difference.

If your manager views you negatively—as someone who won’t shut up—consider the following questions:

• Are you speaking because you are right? Why do you have to be “right” every time?
• Why is your reaction to John/Jill so predicable?
• Are you the only one with the answer?
• Or, are you breaking a consensus or decision reached by speaking out/up after your colleagues and manager have agreed?
• Are you the squeaky wheel or “jerk” in the group?
• Are you a drag on the group’s morale?
• Are you ready to “shut up”?

The other important perspective to consider is you. If you are mortified by the response you received and in hindsight you could see yourself going down toward a predicable outcome, now is a good time to re re-read the “Why Am I In the Mess Again?” chapter in my book, Getting There and Staying There. Begin by asking:

• Why do I have to be “right” every time?
• Why is my reaction to John/Jill so predicable?

Finally, you may be compelled to speak because you work in regulatory control or another area where it is your job to speak up when risks come to light.  Or, in your sales role you may need to speak up because your integrity or values are on the line. Do you have to stop production to avoid a health or safety is threat?  In these situations, your colleagues may even expect you to speak up—for them. Still, I wonder: Do they describe you as brusque, direct and “honest”? Here it is a case of retaining the message but working on the delivery.

Being mortified or embarrassed can be a launch pad for change.  Are you ready?

Q:  Sarah held a higher position and when she left I took on her responsibilities.  It was supposed to be temporary but I have been doing the extra work for 5 months without compensation or a promotion.  My boss tells me to be patient. Should I be?

A: It sounds like you are a respected team player and that you said “yes” to ensure that nothing falls through the cracks.  I hope your manager has provided positive feedback to you not only for taking on the additional responsibility but also for exceeded expectations by accomplishing both your job and Sarah’s.  If you have been sitting in the job for 5 months without feedback—wake up!  Get a grip on it and schedule a meeting.

Before you meet with your manager, be clear about what you want:

• Do you want Sarah’s job?
• Do you want to be compensated for additional responsibility?
• Or, do you want to be promoted to the next level?

Make a list of your accomplishments that describes the observable outcomes related to your new responsibilities and review with your boss.  Ask:

• If you had to rate my performance to date, what would it be?
• Regarding my performance, what feedback have you received from clients? Colleagues?

Be clear about your expectations—talk it over with a mentor or senior advocate before meeting with your manager. If your goal is to be promoted, perhaps your boss’s advice to “be patient” makes sense. However, you need to get a “yes or no” answer on:

• Whether Sarah’s job is going to filled and when.
• Whether your manager considers you a viable candidate for the role, if you choose to pursue it.

However, don’t make the mistake of defining your future as having Sarah’s position.  Maybe her role isn’t going to be backfilled.  Keep your options open by stating that your goal is to be promoted this year (or whatever is appropriate given your talent development cycle) and ask:

• What advice do you have regarding the promotion process?
• Any gaps in my performance? Style? Expectations?
• Am I currently performing at “director” level?
• Will my compensation be made whole with promotion or should we address compensation separately?

Be patient, but don’t be stupid and stop communicating.  OK? Be clear about your goals, timeframe and keep the conversation with your manager timely, transparent and focused.

Q:  I tripped off the sidewalk and broke my foot.  Now I have to use a ridiculous-looking knee scooter to get around. I wonder: Is my situation tarnishing my credibility with my colleagues and clients?

A:  Having to rely on an assistive mobility device is likely to generate the “red car” effect.  In other words, when you drive a red car you notice more red cars on the road and when you have to rely on a cast, crutches or a scooter you probably notice that you are not alone.

However, how you see yourself will determine how your colleagues and clients view you.  If you feel ridiculous, you will act accordingly. Consider the following questions:

• Did the fall knock you off your game?  Shatter your confidence?
• Are you taking the time to rest and recover?  Note:  Your body needs time to heal—don’t mess with Mother Nature.
• Do you get annoyed when folks ask, “What happened?”  Take a breath.  Don’t shatter your relationships.
• Do you have a fun story or elevator speech to talk about your injury with clients? Colleagues?

I wish you a full and speedy recovery and I recommend that you read Everybody’s Got Something, Robin Roberts’s inspirational book about the 174 days from the date of her bone marrow transplant to her return to work as co-anchor of Good Morning America. By contrast, a knee scooter may not be so ridiculous.

Q: Twenty-five years of loyalty to Carrier and now my dad’s job is moving to Mexico. I don’t even know why I am sending this email, but I am ticked off!

A:  Thank you for your email.  Shocking news, ineptly delivered in the era of smart phones and YouTube.  It appears from the video that the lead in to the announcement was: “This is strictly a business decision” followed by “I have information to share that is important to the transition.”

UGH!  Business decisions are made by people and business decisions affect people, families and communities.  You may not be able to affect Carrier’s decision, but perhaps you and your dad can learn and move on. Here are a few questions to ask your dad:

• What is the specific “transition” schedule for your dad’s job?  Note—news reports indicate that the jobs will move to Monterrey over period of three years [by 2019] and that 300 people will continue to be employed in Indianapolis.
• Are you able to keep your emotions in check and listen with compassion to your dad?  Note:  A “shock” like is likely to elicit the stages of grieving:  denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.
• What can your parents do to get their financial “house” in order?  Budget?
• Does your dad have transferable skills?   A hobby that can be a business?  Skill training offered by the state?  Note:  Encourage your dad to be the first to take action.

Finally, what lessons can you learn from this experience to make you a better manager and leader—and especially, communicator?

Q:  I reviewed my 2016 goals with my manager and I know that I can meet them.  I wonder, should I have made the goals more of a stretch?

A:  Today is a good day to consider how you may want to recalibrate not only your career and professional growth but also the aspects of your life that determine its quality: time with family and friends; financial security; home environment; fun, recreation, vacations and time with significant others (spouse/partner); or time for romance.

Don’t fall into the trap of “I will focus on my business goals first and then consider the other stuff.”  Danger! Danger! You won’t get around to the “other stuff.”  Take a leap and consider the following:

• What is your relationship with your manager?  Is your manager an advocate for your success?   Do you have a pattern of talking about “everything”? If yes, discuss a possible “stretch assignment.” If no, don’t change your goals, but make it your goal to strengthen your relationship with your manager.
• What ideas do you have for a stretch assignment? Will the stretch assignment provide visibility, expand your business skills, and provide exposure to different business processes, departments, or clients?
• What is missing in your life?  Free time? Romance? Adventure? Peace of mind?  Note:  Growing professionally is fueled by curiosity and mindfulness.  Recognizing that something is “missing” is a good thing.

Take advantage of this Leap Year Day to recalibrate and bring into alignment the different areas of your life.  You deserve to have a whole and fulfilling 2016.

Q:  I set goals but it seems that something always comes up.  I wanted to have my master’s completed by now but all I see is broken plans. Help.

A: Please don’t despair and abandon your goal of completing your master’s degree.   When people ask me the status of a goal that I haven’t achieved, I say “Not yet.” Why?  Because saying “not yet” is more accurate:  My goal is to complete my master’s and I haven’t achieved my goal yet.   However, before you answer “not yet,” consider the following:

• Given where I am now, what is my professional goal? Personal goals? Note:  Ensure that your goals are relevant and that you have the passion and drive to achieve them.
• Is there a pattern or root cause to the “things that come up in my life”?  Note:  Be aware and don’t get sidetracked if the “thing” is a reoccurring set of events, circumstances or responsibilities, etc.
• How will I incorporate my “life” into my plans?  Note:  Be honest and be kind to yourself when you plan.

Remember that you defined the goal and you made the plan. That’s the good news, because you can always adjust your timeframe and plans to mirror the circumstances of your life.

Now I hope that you are ready to look at your goals and say:  “Thanks for asking, not yet.  I am excited about achieving my goal.”

Q:  How can I squeeze in time to find the one?  I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend
another Valentines Day drinking with the guys but that is exactly what I did.

A:  If you think that you have to “squeeze” social time into your calendar you may be missing the bigger picture:  you have ONE life. I repeat this mantra over and over in my book.  You may think that you have a work life, social life, family life and a separate time to focus on your health/well being.  However, if you do you will end of allocating time to the various compartments of your life.  And, the squeeze effect is inevitable because as you prioritize activities YOU are almost always at the bottom of your list.

I am not going to venture from my area of expertise and ask you questions to help you determine the right person for you—I am certain that there is an APP for that.  I only have one question to help you avoid the squeeze and its similar to tagline for Capital One—“what’s in your wallet”:

• What’s in your schedule?  Do you have time to socialize, to date,  to spend time and build/deepen a relationship In you your calendar?

Remember that if you are hoping to get lucky just look at your track record to date. Finding the right one is not a time management issue:    finding love results from committed attention and action.    You can have your main squeeze if you focus your attention now on 2017—Valentines Day is on a Tuesday