Q:  The Super Bowl is over and now conversations will revert from Panthers or Broncos to – well, there are actually too many combinations of candidates to list. I don’t know how much longer I can side step these conversations.  Aren’t politics off limits at work?

A:  I can appreciate your situation:  It seems that there is nowhere to run and no place to hide this political season.  I found myself in an uncomfortable conversation with my accountant.  It felt like “gotcha,” and by that I mean he asked me a question not to hear my answer but to explain his point of view.  “Gotcha” questions provide the perfect opportunity to let the other take the lead.  You may find it valuable to ask others the following:

• With so many candidates in the running, how did reach your current view?
• Is there an event or issue that would cause you to change?
• What impact will the outcome of the presidential election have on our industry? The economy?
• How do you think our international clients view us?

Eventually, you will have to talk politics. I always find that it is best to talk about the values and vision that I have for America vs. who I am “for” or “against.”  Find your political voice and follow your moral compass.  You have time: the presidential tickets will be determined at the Republican Convention, July 18-21 in Cleveland and the Democratic Convention, July 25-28 in Philadelphia.

Q:  I am going bonkers because my boss repeats details over and over even after I say:   “Thank you, I got it.”  What am I missing?

A: I don’t think your manager is caught in a loop, repeating his words the same way as the “stuck” character in the movie Groundhog Day, so asking what you are missing is a good place to begin.  It’s possible that “I got it” isn’t communicating to your manager that you (1) listened, (2) comprehended the details and (3) will take appropriate actions.  As you can tell from my answer there are three possible areas for miscommunication, so consider the following:

• When your manager repeats the details are you annoyed? Silent? Checked out?  If yes, your manager has made an accurate assessment—you are not listening.
• Is the conversation one-way or are you having a conversation with your manager for understanding and planning action?  If the latter, you are engaged and you will demonstrate that you are tracking the “details” as they are presented.

Remember: “I got it” is informal – colloquial or even slang—language.  Using more formal terms to conduct business and convey professionalism will ensure that you communicate with accuracy and clarity.  At the end of your discussion, always provide a recap—not a repeat—for your manager:  For example, “I understand x, y and z, and that my next steps are as follows…”  Recapping at the end may feel stodgy and formal at first; however, with practice you will find your unique voice and have an engaging, two-way conversation.

Finally, enjoy Groundhog Day, Tuesday, February 2.  It’s highly unlikely that Punxsutawney Phil will see his shadow on the snowy ground this year, so that leaves you with six weeks of winter to go sharpen your communications skills.  Repeat after me:  practice, practice, practice.

Q:  More “belt tightening” is ahead for 2016 and I don’t buy it. How do I tell my team without damaging morale?

A:  To have credibility with your team you have to “buy in” to the strategy.   You can’t sell something you don’t believe in; don’t even think about faking it—your team is skillful at detecting horse pooey.  Start by asking questions:

• What exactly did your senior management communicate?  Note:  “Belt tightening” is not a strategy and it is not measurable.
• Are the cuts across the board or isolated? Are there plans to spin off of a division/product line?  Note:  Be clear about the financial impact on your specific area of the business?
• How does the 2016 launch message compare with that of 2015?  A continuation?  Dramatic/disruptive change? Iterative?

Regarding your team,

• Why is their morale likely to be impacted by the 2016 strategy?  Cut back in resources? Lay-offs? Group being layered?
• How do you bring your team into the 2016 planning process?
• What are your expectations for the team?  Goals? Roles? Results?

Remember that your role as a manager is to keep your team in the loop—no surprises—and to ensure that they have the information or are empowered to get the answers that help them feel like they own the business.  Make certain that you always have the information and/or access to senior management to “buy in” to the future of your firm.

Q:  I read Ta-Nehisi Coates’s Between the World and Me and frankly, I am disheartened by his accurate portrayal of black men.  I am an African American dad with twin boys aged 12.  How do I remain hopeful?

A: I, too, was moved by Ta-Nehisi’s vivid perspective of being a black man in America.  When I saw this big teddy bear of a man with the dulcet voice present at the Kennedy School of Government, I was left with more questions than answers, but I didn’t doubt for one second the authenticity of his unvarnished perspective.  His message resonates with the reality of our times.

Some herald Ta-Nehisi as today’s James Baldwin or Malcolm because of the clarity of his message.  I have no doubt that, like Baldwin and Malcolm, Ta-Nehisi would be a welcomed Martin Luther King “foot soldier” for social revolution and justice.

As you consider your sons’ future, I hope that these questions are useful:

• Do you (and your family) view the world as hostile to you?  If yes, what conversations can you generate to have a more nuanced view?
• How well do you read/respond to cultural cues (“micro-aggressions”)?  What practices or insights are you sharing with your sons?
• Are you sons learning negotiating and mediating techniques in school?
• Is your social network diverse—age, cultures, nationalities, gender?
• What activities are you providing to broaden your son’s perspective, experience and life skills?
• What conversations do you have with your sons about the events on the news, specifically the Black Lives Matter movement?  Note: As you know, the format of Ta-Nehisi’s books is a letter to his son—a conversation with his son.

I feel strongly that conversations can change our society for the better and that diplomatic solutions will make the world a safer place. Why? I share Dr. Martin Luther King’s point of view:

 “People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they have not communicated with each other.”

Dr. King would close his remarks by encouraging us to fear not, hold fast to each other and remember the1100 especially the following:

12-year-old Tamir Rice, Ohio

17-year-old Trayvon Martin, Florida

17-year–old Laquan McDonald, Chicago

18-year-old Michael Brown, Ferguson

19-year-old Quintonio LeGrier, Chicago

22-year-old Rekia Boyd, Chicago

25-year old, Freddie Gray, Baltimore

28-year-old Sandra Bland, Texas

43-year-old father of 6 Eric Garner, Staten Island

Q:  I am not going to see Star Wars.  I am not a fan and I don’t understand all the hype.  Am I missing something?

A:  You are not the first person who has said “no” to Star Wars.  However, the fact is you are missing something:  Star Wars is an international cultural phenomenon captivating the attention of millions and generating billions in ticket sales.  Star Wars is an important cultural marker—an icon of our time.  You don’t want to miss being a part of this key cultural conversation.  You don’t have to be a fan; you do need to be curious, open and engaged.  Consider the following questions:

• Are your likes and dislikes hard-wired?  Note: Make a list of the top 10 areas where your likes and dislikes are hard-wired.
• How often do you think “no way” and/or say “no” each day? Note:  Make a tick mark each time you say “no.”
• How do your friends, colleagues and family describe you?  Easy-going? Rigid? Opinionated? Open?
• When the facts change, do you change your mind?  Note:  Do you dig in, argue, or ask questions for understanding?
• What is the benefit or advantage you gain by not seeing Star Wars?  Note: Your brand might be “I am different,” “I am a loner” or “I do my own thing.”

To get beyond your assessment that Star Wars is “all hype,” now is a good time to conduct your own exploration.  Read about the fans dedicated to the Star Wars franchise. If you are interested in technology, read about the robots that are now reality.  If you are interested in leadership and teamwork, read about how J.J. Abrams directed the production.  If music is your thing, listen to John Williams’s tribute performance of the Star Wars theme.  And, finally if you are interested in millennials, read about the multi-generational and diverse cast.

Finally, you don’t have to see the movie.  However, be informed and don’t unwittingly put others down by assuming a “why would you want to see that?” attitude.

Remember:  “The force” describes the dark side and the light—stay open, engaged and willing to learn and the force will be with you.

2016 can be your year if you follow this advice:

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.

George Bernard Shaw, 1893

Dear Reader,

It has been my pleasure to interact with you this year.  Your commitment to your professional growth spurs my own continued development.  And what a journey 2015 has been.

I am going to drop my usual format based on “coaching questions to get there and stay” and offer a few “dos” and “don’ts” to support your success in 2016.

Don’t:

• Don’t make 2016 resolutions.  Why?  A list of resolutions is not a plan.  Look at your calendar and it will help you remember that you have one life to achieve your personal and professional goals and aspirations
• Don’t join a gym or fitness facility in January.  Why? If you are not already an active gym member, start by walking or following an exercise DVD to determine how this activity will fit into your lifestyle and your calendar.  Remember:  “Trying” to get to the gym means that you are not going to the gym.
• Don’t hold a grudge—Why?  Grudges always backfire.  Always take the high road.

Do:

• Do block time on the calendar for the important events: Weddings, family reunions, vacations.  Why?  Staking out these times in advance will help you avoid having to apologize to co-workers and being the source of anxiety and stress in your family.
• Do plan to take a break every quarter:  Weekend getaway, staycation or vacation.  Why? You will control the quality of your life—stop sweating the small stuff.
• Do be curious:  Explore, expand, learn something new, have new experiences—visit museums, read, travel and have fun.  Why?  The world belongs to you—enjoy it.  Stay current and have a very Happy New Year.

Q:  It is the end of the year and, looking back, I just don’t feel right.  Everything seems so up in the air—unsettled.  Is this a version of the “holiday blues”?

A:  I like the way you asked your question. A flood of feelings often accompanies the ending of one year and the beginning of the next. And, it’s no surprise that you feel unsettled—maybe even untethered—during the holiday season.  Well, if you have been following my blogs, you know that at the core of my answers is self-awareness, and with awareness comes peace.

Peace is defined as: freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquility; serenity.

As I prepare to celebrate Christmas, the song below helps ground me. Even though this is a religious song, please focus on the universality of the simple lyrics below:

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Let there be peace on earth the peace that was meant to be.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Let there be peace on earth, The peace that was meant to be. …

Let peace begin with me. Let this be the moment now.

With every step I take let this be my solemn vow:

To take each moment, And live each moment with peace eternally

Let there be peace on earth,  and let it begin with me. 

Now is the time to “take each moment and live each moment” by answering the following questions:

• Am I in harmony—at peace– with my family, friends and co-workers?
• Am I at peace –free of distractions—with myself?

Remember that the greatest gifts to give and to receive (any time of the year) are peace and love.

Q:  I am devastated.  I was supposed to be recognized at the Chairman’s event for leading a breakthrough project when the agenda changed at the last minute and I was bumped off the program.  I worked my butt off for nine months only to become a line in the annual report.  I can’t believe this happened. Now what?

A. Ouch!  It sounds like the rug was pulled out from under your feet.  In other words, the expectations that you had—being recognized at the Chairman’s event—were not realized.  You probably had a fixed picture in your mind:  being publicly recognized by your colleagues and senior leaders, and it didn’t happen.

However, are you devastated or disappointed?   Here is the definition of devastate:  to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief;  shatter, shock, stun, daze, dumbfound, traumatize, crush, overwhelm 

Take a deep breath and consider the following questions:

• Was there a pressing event that caused a change in the agenda?
• Why was this event so important to you?
• What was your expectation?  Why did you work so hard on this project?
• What is the special meaning/significance that this project has to your career?  Your brand?  Your identity?
• Are you shattered? Crushed? Traumatized?  If you are not, how do you feel?

Now reframe—are you disappointed or devastated?  Disappointed is defined as:  the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.

Note the word expectation.  I know that when I pour my heart and soul into a project and circumstances result in a different ending that what I expected, it causes a meltdown.  It seems as if every previous disappointment comes back in full force.  The hurt and emotions spill out.

Now is the time to rethink why the public recognition was so important and where to go from here.  Getting bumped from the agenda is not “personal” or aimed at you—it is more accurate to say: I expected to present at the Chairman’s event and my expectation was not fulfilled.  I am disappointed, not shattered.

Now give yourself a break and describe the situation as is—without blaming yourself or others.

My final advice and it may sound really corny but I can assure you that it works.  Click on this link and Let It Go

Q.  My co-worker blows by facts, data and logic by saying, “Well, I don’t see it that way,” and then she proceeds to hold fast to her point of view.  What the heck, it seems to me that this is a politically correct put down?  Am I right?

A.  I don’t think that this is a situation of your being right or wrong.  Let’s stick with your idea of “political correctness.”  It sounds like your colleague brings the conversation to an abrupt halt by being sweet or nice.  However, don’t get distracted and end up in Candy Crush saga.  Your task is to ask:

• Well, how do you see it?
• How does your view get us to the results? Goal? Or move the process/plan forward?

You may think that her actions are PC. However, the response may be a cover for passive aggressiveness or even worst manipulation.  All are disagreeable and potentially destructive behaviors and I will admit that if you allow yourself to be manipulated it will “feel” personal.

Here is another tip:  Don’t get angry, get out in front and by all means don’t let her off the hook.  You don’t have to be confrontational; but I suspect that you’ve retreated into silence—disbelief has caused you to be mute.

Get your voice back by asking yourself:

• Am I threatened or afraid of this person?
• Will speaking up or calling her on her “game/pattern” create a career problem (short or long term)?
• Am I the only one she responds to in this manner?  If yes, ask – what am I doing that invites her to talk to me in this manner?  If others get the same response, band together and have tangible results about the effect of her remarks (e.g., morale, delays, customer defections etc.)

Remember:  We rarely achieve 100% agreement before taking action.  Carve out your area of influence/impact, align your key stakeholders and stay focused.