A. I didn’t have the success you described in your last blog.  I failed miserably when I took on the role of Gala Chair.  The members of my committee barely speak to me and I to them.  Where did I go wrong? How did you get it done?

Q:  I didn’t say it was easy:  Chairing a not for profit event is a task worth doing and the Boston Conference was a once in a blue moon opportunity to bring all of my skills together to contribute to an organization that I am absolutely love. I am not going to pose a series of questions to help you determine where you went wrong because failing happens.   Your job now is to get back on the horse or (if you prefer) step up to  the  plate and accept a non-work opportunity that will allow you to grow or test your leadership.

To support your success, let me share my tips on how to get it all done:

• Ask your friends and leverage your connections.  The bigger the role, the more support you will need.  If you don’t have friends who will respond to your calls or return your messages, don’t take on big roles until you build your base.
• Always keep your word—if you say you are going to do something, do it.  If you are not able to do what you promised, communicate immediately.
• Select times that work for your schedule.  Remember, this is volunteer work and you do not want to jeopardize your revenue stream.
• Don’t drive yourself nuts by double booking or squeezing in calls while traveling (especially if you are out of the country/time zone).  You won’t bring your “A game” to the task. And when your colleagues say that they have a conflict, pick a new date that works for them.
• If a colleague tells you they will “try to make it” or “try to do it, ”press for a concrete time/date and commitment.  Trying is not doing and it mucks up the planning.
• Don’t expect your colleagues to change their behavior or style during the course of the project.  Accommodate their idiosyncrasies by working around them.
• Lead with excellence and integrity, and celebrate.

Remember that you are choosing a non-work leadership challenge to accelerate your growth, expand your leadership skills, to build /leverage your network and have fun.   OK?  Now, choose wisely and follow the tips to success.

Q. Its not a promotion, yet, so I don’t want to make a big deal over the fact that I am youngest person to step into this role. Should I stay modestly quiet about my achievements?

A.  Many of my clients feel the same way.  They move on to the next task without fanfare and their accomplishment is relegated to “no big deal.”  When you hit a milestone, are recognized for your contribution or accomplish something BIG, get ready: craft your elevator speech, create a special occasion and celebrate! I will walk the talk and share my latest accomplishment:

First my elevator speech:  I co-chaired the first International Women’s Forum World Leadership Conference to break the record for attendance:  832 global leaders.

Now the details:

I have been a member of the International Women’s Forum (IWF) for over 20 years and attended IWF conferences in Buenos Aires, Jamaica, Morocco, and Berlin and in Chicago, DC and Atlanta.  The conferences bring together women leaders representing over 600 chapters from more than 30 countries.  So, given my pride in the organization, I could only say “yes” when asked to co-chair the Boston conference with newly minted Massachusetts Women’s Forum (MWF) member former Brigadier General Dana Born.  

Our theme was “Transforming Tomorrow Today,” highlighting innovation and research.  The Conference sold-out in August and almost 1400 attended the gala.  In addition, to co-chairing the overall Conference I took on the specific task of identifying and organizing VIP Behind the Scenes programs at 11 of Boston’s cultural gems:  Gardner Museum, Children’s Hospital, Dana Farber Institute, JFK Library, Massachusetts State House, Massachusetts African American History Museum, Harvard Business School, Harvard Art Museum, MIT Computer Science and Applied Intelligence (CSAIL), and I am proud to say that I led the Behind the Scenes effort with a close MWF colleague

The Hall of Fame Gala was absolutely over the top.  Former Chief Justice Margaret Marshall—you can thank her for her courageous legal decision that resulted in marriage equality—and MIT President emeritus Susan Hockfield served as honorary chairs for the evening.  Our own Dr. Paula Johnson was inducted into the IWF Hall of Fame, joining the ranks of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Maya Angelou  and  Rosa Parks.  The entertainment was outstanding:  My friend Tema Blackstone (a concert pianist and teacher) invited her phenomenal student Niu Niu to perform, along with the Boston College Jazz Ensemble and the most extraordinary Broadway vocalist N’Kenge.

And the best thing that happened is that I invited my family and friends to share my accomplishment.  I got their attention with my elevator speech:  I co-chaired a record-breaking Conference that 832 global leaders attended.

Q:  Is it just me, or is the world in more disarray than ever?

A:   I don’t have an answer, so I will wonder along with you.  Yes, smart phones and 24×7 coverage contribute to the sense of “disarray.”  It seems that just when I get my head wrapped around an horrific event—migrants drowning, 224 souls lost in a Sinai plane crash—another unimaginable incident occurs:  a festive Friday night interrupted, leaving hundreds dead and injured in Paris.  I—we—are taken by surprise.  We are shocked because from our perspective the events don’t fit a pattern, a paradigm.

Why?  Asymmetrical threats.  I remember when I first heard the term asymmetrical threat.  It was before 9/11, Afghanistan, the toppling of Sadam Hussein and rise of Al Qaeda and its spawn, ISIS.  In 1998, the USAF defined asymmetry as not “fighting fair.”  From this perspective it’s okay to hit “soft targets.”  It’s okay for a suicide bomber wearing a burka to detonate his vest in a crowded marketplace.

We live in a new world order and it’s important to consider the following:

• What does it mean to be “safe” into the world today?
• Can you see events from multiple perspectives (without judging)?
• What do you need to learn about other cultures? Values?
• Are you cynical? Resentful? Hateful?  If yes, these strong emotions can have a negative effect not only on your worldview but also on your health.  What can you do to restore your balance?

And, closer to home:

• What are the asymmetrical “threats” facing your industry? Your organization? [Note—think cyber security or a disgruntled employee]

And please remember to take a break and turn away from “horrific” images. 

Q:  I am one of two black women in my group.  We don’t look anything alike.  I can’t believe that “they” get us confused.  How can this be?

A:  OMG! That just happened to me.  I was in meeting and a woman approached me and asked, “How is Robert?” I was shocked and if I hadn’t been in formal business mode  I would have cut my eyes at her.  I maintained my composure and gently said, “I think you have me confused with someone else.”  As you mentioned, it is difficult to imagine how the error could occur.  Here is what happens: “They” don’t see our distinguishing features and us.  Why?  Most people don’t pay attention.

Here is what you can do:

• Repeat your name.  Don’t start talking without saying your name even if it is the same person.
• Make eye contact.
• Shake hands or (if appropriate) fist bump.
• If you are called by the wrong name, be gracious and either make a joke—“That’s the other black woman”—or say “No worries, that happens a lot.”
• Go beyond the indistinguishable stuff and add a memorable detail about yourself:  what you are reading, vacation plans or latest accomplishment.

A word of advice:  Don’t take it personally.  It isn’t the first time that this faux pas will occur and it isn’t the last. And while I would be willing to bet it happens more often to “us,” rest assured that it happens to all kinds of people all the time. If you are emotionally intelligent you will probably notice (as I have) that a lot of people just aren’t present.  They don’t look beyond the first layer of information to see the individual behind. They aren’t alert, awake and maybe they are preoccupied with major issues or concerns in their life. I give people the benefit of the doubt because it is rarely personal.

Finally, when I do get triggered I remember my friend Carolyn’s advice:  Just because someone says something stupid doesn’t mean that you have to pack your bags and go with them on the trip.

Q:  It could be cancer!  I am scheduled for a biopsy next week and I feel as if my life has hit a wall:  I am 28, never even had surgery. I was healthy last week and now I am bracing myself for bad news. This sucks!

A.  You are absolutely correct—having your life turned upside down by a frightening diagnostic procedure sucks!  And if you are coming to grips with the situation and don’t have complete information, you probably don’t want the whole world to know what is happening.  You can keep quiet about your situation, but your close friends and family are likely to suspect that something is going on with you.  And, frankly it’s never a good idea to avoid a conversation by avoiding friends and family. It’s also not smart to leave work with vague or lame excuses when you are going to a doctor’s appointment.  The challenge is finding the right approach that keeps your relationships intact while balancing your personal privacy and your decision on what to disclose and when:

Here are a few questions:

• In casual conversation, have you expressed concern that “something isn’t right”?
• Have there been visual clues such as a pained facial expression or a limp?
• Have there been signals to your friends/family leading up to this diagnostic test?  Have you been out of the office?  Curtailed social activities?  Stopped working out?

If the answer to any of the above is “yes,” it is likely that your news will not take your friends completely by surprise.  So you have a decision to make:  how much to tell them and when. Consider the following:

• How will you manage their reaction to what you have to say?  Note:  don’t say “I’m OK” or “Don’t worry.”  Tell the truth.
• How can your family and friends be supportive?  If you are single, don’t be stoic.  Don’t wait alone for a medical procedure or for test results. Ask a close friend or family member to accompany you to doctor’s office. Ask them to write down what the doctor says.
• Remember that it is OK to ask your close circle to maintain your confidentiality and allow you to share the information when and how you choose.

Finally, do you believe that there is a lesson to be learned in everything that happens to you?  I do and I am not talking about positive thinking. I invite you to see your situation from another perspective.  How?  It’s easy.  What advice would you give to family or friends if they said, “My life sucks—I may have cancer”?

Please know that I am sending positive energy to you for a healthy and vibrant future.

Q:  I bookmarked the White House Fellows application last year but I am afraid that if I tell my boss I am applying I won’t get promoted.  Should I take the risk?

A:  You probably know from reading my book that in my role as a White House Fellows [WHF] I served as Special Assistant to William F. Webster at the Federal Bureau of Investigation.  My Fellowship year was a pivotal experience—a turning point—in my life.  Don’t confuse the WHF with Monica Lewinsky’s White House internship.

The White House Fellows program has been a fixture of nine Presidential administrations – five Republican and four Democrat. President Johnson’s vision that, “A genuinely free society cannot be a spectator society [because] Freedom, in its deepest sense, requires participation – full, zestful, knowledgeable, participation,” remains a call to action for all Americans who seek to better themselves, their communities, and the world.

Applying is only the first step and is probably not the occasion to announce that you are leaving the firm, correct?

Here are questions to consider:

• Why are you interested in applying?
• Have you talked to a current or former White House Fellow about their experience?
• How does the White House Fellows program connect to your career goals?
• What is the value that you will bring back to your firm?  Note:  WHFs develop deep knowledge on how government works by serving as special assistants in the White House, to Cabinet Secretaries or Deputy Cabinet Secretaries.
• What is your plan B?  What options will allow you to expand knowledge of government:  Aspen Institute? Council of Foreign Relations? Japan Society?  People-to-People?
• Do you have a close, trusted relationship with your manager?  Do you talk freely about your career?  If yes, don’t “surprise” your manager and damage your relationship.

If you still need a nudge to complete your application, make certain that you get feedback from your family, friends and mentors to bolster your confidence and help you focus on why you are a worthy candidate and meet the WHF application criteria below:

• A record of remarkable professional achievement early in one’s career.
• Evidence of leadership skills and the potential for further growth.
• A demonstrated commitment to public service.
• The skills to succeed at the highest levels of the Federal government, and the ability to work effectively as part of a team

Applications will be available on November 2, 2016.  Go for it!

Q:  It absolutely drives me bonkers when I offer a specific time for a meeting and the response is “I’ll try to make it.”  What does “try” mean?

A:  When someone says that they are trying to lose weight or trying to spend more time with their family, I am reminded of Yoda’s caution to Luke Sky Walker:  There is no try; do.  Indeed! “Trying” to do something is not the same as achieving a result or producing an outcome, so “trying” to make a meeting drives me nuts, too.  Here are a few tips that I follow to stay sane when scheduling via email:

• Be specific:  “Are you available on Wednesday, October 15, at 1PM or 1:30PM?”
• Ask for an exact response:  “What time works best for you, 1 or 1:30?”
• Ask for options:  “If this date/time does not work for you, please let me know what works best for you.”
• Make it easy:  “So that we don’t have to go back and forth via email, please call me.”
• Be specific:  “You can reach me today between 3 and 4:30.  Please let me know the time or time ‘window’ you plan to call me today.”
• Be generous:  “I know that your client is your priority—especially this time of year—so let me know if we need to reschedule.”
• Close the loop:  “Thank you very much, I look forward to our meeting on MONTH, DAY, TIME and LOCATION.”

Remember:  Put these tips to use and you can track your effectiveness and increased productivity. You win time and peace of mind when you nail down a meeting in one or two email exchanges:  No trying, do.

Now enjoy a laugh: T-Rex trying to stay dry.

Q:  Jason and I have been friends since high school. We were members of a marksman’s club in college and he was my best man. My career is outpacing his. Now it seems like he is angry not only at me but the world.  How can I get our friendship back on track?

A:  I treasure my long-standing friendships for their depth and honesty. The experience of growing up and moving into a career and marriage seems even richer when shared with high school or college friends.  It feels good to be “known” and close friends seem to sense when I am upset or in need.  As a result, I pay close attention to the ebb and flow of my friends’ lives so that we don’t drift apart.  Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Did you signal to your friend that you have moved on and don’t have time for him now?  If yes, perhaps you have changed and walked away from a friendship.
• If you’re a newlywed, have you defaulted to your wife’s social circle?  Are you “couples only”?
• Who kept your friendship going in the past, you or Jason?  If Jason kept the friendship going, is he OK?

Let me pause here because I know that it may not be a “guy thing” to overtly reach out to a “buddy” or “bro” and ask “How are you feeling?”  Remember that from Jason’s perspective your life is on an upward trajectory – great job and newly married.  Think about it—you have probably been competing with each other since high school.  Is there something that you can do to level the playing field?

Finally, given the fact that you mentioned being marksmen in college, it is important to ask:

• Did you drift apart because of dramatic differences in your values (ideology/beliefs)?  Are you going in different directions?  If so,
• Has your friend changed in a manner that you can’t put your finger on but find troubling?

Don’t let your friends drift away because of lack of attention, and don’t let them slip into a darkness because you were too macho to take notice.  If you suspect something, say something.

Q:  I am so embarrassed. A colleague mentioned double-checking my work and I “went off” on him.  I completely over-reacted.  What do I do now?

A: I feel your pain.  You may not remember this old chestnut by the Three Stooges—each time Curley mentioned Niagara Falls, Moe was “triggered” into a slapstick routine.  Well, this is a long way of saying that “double check your work” could be a phrase that “triggers” an automatic emotional response from you. For example, you may have reported to a micromanager with a penchant for creating “fire drills” that began with “let me double check this document.”  You may have been in a stressful or unfulfilling work situation, unable to push back while your negative emotions continued to build and now when you hear “double check” you unleash the stored hurt feelings.

Here are a few questions to ask to determine if you are being triggered:

• Is your response to the person asking the question appropriate?
• Have you received feedback from friends, family or colleagues that you  “go off” when they say or do certain things? If yes, thank them for their feedback and be alert to the “trigger” points.
• Do you feel that your emotions are running the show?  If yes, I recommend that you get a coach.
• How well do you know yourself?  Are there certain people, comments, or situations that cause you to react without thinking?

Everyone has a “Niagara Falls,” and when you are tired and your emotions are frayed you are more likely to react in a predicable and uncensored manner.  Here is a tip:  Be emotionally intelligent and recognize your triggers.  Second, don’t be embarrassed – apologize and let the person know that you were not reacting to them. After all, everyone goes off every now and then: We are not perfect; we are works in progress.

Remember to be kind to yourself.

Q:  I never wanted to wear the corporate business “uniform.” I add my special flare by wearing artsy tee shirts under my blazer and funky designer shoes.  I am expressing my personal brand. But recently a colleague asked if I was being defiant.  How can I be me at work?

A. I led a seminar at Radcliffe that showcased high-level women in business and in politics and at the end of the seminar my students remarked to my surprise:  The more successful the woman, the higher her heels!  Frankly, I hadn’t noticed because each women had a professional flair that was distinct and not defiant.  Consider the following:

• What does  “defiant” mean to you?
• What message are you sending?  Is your message “Look at me, I am different/special,” or are you saying “Look at me, I don’t belong here”?
• Are you being authentic?  Does your choice of shirt and shoes express who you are and where you are taking your career?
• Are you dressed appropriately for your audience?  Note:  When I am giving a speech I wear my blue suit with an eye-catching pin.

Being visible in the workplace is key to advancement. You want to “stand out” for the right reasons, not be the butt of conversations based on what you wear each day.  I have noticed that my style has evolved so that it’s not only distinct, it complements my personality.

Remember:  If you are beginning your career, my advice is to appreciate the cultural norms and “fit in.” As you move up and gain more clout and professional status, you will know exactly what to where and when to wear it.