Q: Jason and I have been friends since high school. We were members of a marksman’s club in college and he was my best man. My career is outpacing his. Now it seems like he is angry not only at me but the world. How can I get our friendship back on track?
A: I treasure my long-standing friendships for their depth and honesty. The experience of growing up and moving into a career and marriage seems even richer when shared with high school or college friends. It feels good to be “known” and close friends seem to sense when I am upset or in need. As a result, I pay close attention to the ebb and flow of my friends’ lives so that we don’t drift apart. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
- Did you signal to your friend that you have moved on and don’t have time for him now? If yes, perhaps you have changed and walked away from a friendship.
- If you’re a newlywed, have you defaulted to your wife’s social circle? Are you “couples only”?
- Who kept your friendship going in the past, you or Jason? If Jason kept the friendship going, is he OK?
Let me pause here because I know that it may not be a “guy thing” to overtly reach out to a “buddy” or “bro” and ask “How are you feeling?” Remember that from Jason’s perspective your life is on an upward trajectory – great job and newly married. Think about it—you have probably been competing with each other since high school. Is there something that you can do to level the playing field?
Finally, given the fact that you mentioned being marksmen in college, it is important to ask:
- Did you drift apart because of dramatic differences in your values (ideology/beliefs)? Are you going in different directions? If so,
- Has your friend changed in a manner that you can’t put your finger on but find
troubling?
Don’t let your friends drift away because of lack of attention, and don’t let them slip into a darkness because you were too macho to take notice. If you suspect something, say something.