Q: I am one of two black women in my group. We don’t look anything alike. I can’t believe that “they” get us confused. How can this be?
A: OMG! That just happened to me. I was in meeting and a woman approached me and asked, “How is Robert?” I was shocked and if I hadn’t been in formal business mode I would have cut my eyes at her. I maintained my composure and gently said, “I think you have me confused with someone else.” As you mentioned, it is difficult to imagine how the error could occur. Here is what happens: “They” don’t see our distinguishing features and us. Why? Most people don’t pay attention.
Here is what you can do:
- Repeat your name. Don’t start talking without saying your name even if it is the same person.
- Make eye contact.
- Shake hands or (if appropriate) fist bump.
- If you are called by the wrong name, be gracious and either make a joke—“That’s the other black woman”—or say “No worries, that happens a lot.”
- Go beyond the indistinguishable stuff and add a memorable detail about yourself: what you are reading, vacation plans or latest accomplishment.
A word of advice: Don’t take it personally. It isn’t the first time that this faux pas will occur and it isn’t the last. And while I would be willing to bet it happens more often to “us,” rest assured that it happens to all kinds of people all the time. If you are emotionally intelligent you will probably notice (as I have) that a lot of people just aren’t present. They don’t look beyond the first layer of information to see the individual behind. They aren’t alert, awake and maybe they are preoccupied with major issues or concerns in their life. I give people the benefit of the doubt because it is rarely personal.
Finally, when I do get triggered I remember my friend Carolyn’s advice: Just because someone says something stupid doesn’t mean that you have to pack your bags and go with them on the trip.
