Question:  I thought this stuff only happened on YouTube until the guy seated next to me on the plane fell asleep and began to snore loudly.  I was trapped in a window seat on a two-hour flight.  Why did I let this happen to me?

Answer:   I am going to one up your experience:  I, too, was trapped in a window seat on a small plane into Aspen when the guy seated next to me slumped over onto my lap! He was in the midst of a heart “incident,” I was told by his physician who occupied the aisle seat across from his “patient.” I could have stayed seated, but I jumped over the seat—and the doctor went to work. I was as much the center of attention for my athletic prowess as was the doctor performing CPR.

So, when you ask, “Why did I stay seated next to a snorer?” consider the following:

• What kept you from pressing the button for the flight attendant?
• Do you worry about being embarrassed? What others might think about you?
• How often do you “sacrifice” your personal needs so that you are not a burden or a bother?
• When you’re uncomfortable in a meeting or a professional encounter, do you ignore or downplay your feelings?
• Do you describe yourself as “self conscious” and worry that all eyes are on you?

Note:  Remember that when you are feeling embarrassed, you are pointing a finger at yourself—the attention is on you.  You have a choice:  be alert and be mindful.  I have discovered that what we tolerate or accept in our day-to-day experiences often reflects not only what we value but also how we value ourselves.

Q: I just had an exhaustive personality assessment. How can I make the best use of this information?

 A: Congratulations your organizaton has chosen to invest in you.  You can use this information to your advantage if you have the “right” mindset. Many people misinterpret the data as a signal that there is something wrong with them and that they have to make a fundamental change in what they are. I have heard clients say, “They want me to be change who I am, I won’t do that.”

Your personal style is not fixed: You may have watched Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates change from “nerd” to company spokesperson. This assessment will deepen your insights about your personal style, behavior and approach and help you understand how your personality “fits” with your manager, your colleagues and the organization. To begin, consider the following questions:

• How is your personality an “asset” to your organization? When does your personality rub people the “wrong” way?
• Why did your organization invest in you? Are you high potential? Are you being considered for promotion or a lateral move?
• If you are new or moving to a new organization or function, how well do you understand the culture? Protocols? Informal expectations?
• Have you received feedback about your personality and ignored it? If yes, what insights do you gain from this assessment?
• How open are you to feedback?
• Based on the assessment, what are the strengths that you want to leverage?

Remember that when you take on a new role or are being considered for an opportunity, how well your personality “fits” with your colleagues will be a key determinant of your success. What aspect of your personality will your bring to the forefront now to lead you to success?

Q.   We used to be close friends at work, but now that my friend has married I notice that she has pulled away from me. I didn’t think anything about it until she “fell and broke a tooth” and then, even on the warmest days last summer, she wore long-sleeve jackets.  What can I do?

A.  Thank you for asking and being concerned about your friend.  The first actions of a batterer are to isolate his or her “victim” from friends and family to control them.  So, the dramatic changes in your colleague’s behavior and personality are an important signal that something is amiss.  Continue to be caring, supportive and non-judgmental and you may be able to create a safe haven. Let her know that you value your relationship and, if appropriate, take the following steps by asking:

• Let’s have lunch together:  What do you prefer–go out, or brown bag?
• Would you like to work together on a project?
• I miss our conversations and realize that I haven’t been reaching out to you, OK if we coordinate our breaks on Wednesday and Friday?

Here is advice from professionals: 

If she tells you she’s in an abusive relationship, believe her. Give her resources she can use to get help, like a number for a domestic violence hotline. Acknowledge her fear and the risk she takes in speaking with you. If she does not wish to acknowledge the relationship, respect her right to privacy and to refuse help. Don’t force her to discuss the relationship with you if she is not ready. Don’t be judgmental, and don’t tell her to simply leave the relationship. Encourage her to get help in developing a safety plan and a safe means of escape. And above all, don’t encourage others to intervene with the abuser unless she asks for that assistance.

Note:   Before the NFL player Ray Rice knocked his then-fiancée out cold in an elevator, few of us thought that violence between consenting adults was “our business.”  Domestic violence is not personal, private or OK. Now that it’s under the spotlight it has sparked a conversation that is likely to cause a transformation.

I care deeply about this issue:  In my former role as Assistant Secretary of Public Safety for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I had the opportunity to launch the Governor’s Task Force on Domestic Violence.  It’s an important issue that affects millions of families every day, and a cycle that must be broken.

Q.  Due to cost-cutting measures, I now work from home and don’t have day-to-day feedback.  In Getting There & Staying There, you encourage us to ensure that our behavior is appropriate.  How do I know if I am acting appropriately?

A.  Making the transition from the hubbub of a business office to the solitude of a home office can be jarring.  I know, I made the transition and it took me a while to make the adjustment, especially when my friends joked, “Now you can work in your pajamas!”  My response: No way; that’s not appropriate for me.

Here are few questions to consider:

• What are your office hours?  Do they align with those of your clients? Manager? And other stakeholders?
• Do you have an office infrastructure that will support your success:  Tech help? High speed lines? Office space that inspires you and allows you to be productive?
• What are you doing to stay connected? Networked?  When do you venture out of your office?
• Are you staying current?  Continuing to develop professionally?
• Do you have a regular “live” meetings schedule with your manager? Colleagues? Clients?  Or, do you Skype?
• Do you think that you are missing out on information? If yes, what?  What action do you need to take?

Remember—working from home will require discipline in more ways than one. Do honor your commitments to be available at scheduled times, but don’t fall into the trap of working 24×7 or sleeping with your smart phone because someone “might call.”  Now is the time to act like you own the business and, in many ways, you are your own boss.  Make it work for you.  Plan ahead.

Q.  I am in Sales and on track to exceed my numbers by the end of this month. I have a few small deals in the pipeline, and I honestly don’t expect another big deal to close until first quarter 2015.  How do I stay visible with my managers?

A.  Congratulations on your success to date, especially in today’s competitive and discerning market!  You are asking a timely question.  When you are ahead of the curve—out in front of your peers—it is important to walk a fine line between being visible and appearing arrogant. To maintain the good will of your manager, colleagues, and clients consider the following:

• What advice has your mentor or manager provided to help you stay visible?
• Is there a best practice related to your success that you can share with your colleagues or across the business?
• Are you leveraging the good will you have earned to expand your portfolio or client base?
• What opportunities will you create to mentor/develop others?
• How can you use the time from now to end of year to develop professionally and/or be more influential?

Finally, as you know, the small deals that you have yet to close may have the possibility to grow.  Stay focused and don’t leave anything on the table.  Above all, don’t coast!

Enjoy today!  Now is the perfect time to solidify your plans to reflect, rest and connect with family and friends.  How will you spend Rosh Hashanah? Columbus Day Weekend? Thanksgiving?  Christmas?  Don’t forget to plan your New Year celebration.

Enrich your life by having an enticing or compelling future scheduled and in your calendar.

All work – no play will sabotage your success.

Priscilla 

Q:  I would love to read a book just for my satisfaction; instead I have stacks of business books that I will never finish.   Do I have to wait until I retire to read a good book?

A.    At times I voice the same complaint—if only I had uninterrupted time to lose myself in a fiction book.  Tom Wolfe’s 2012 sizzling novel Back to Blood has been on my bookshelf eclipsed by business books including my current read, Flash Boys.   Ah ha!  I just realized that the business related books that I read captivate me.  I really enjoy them.

I am not glossing over the fact that I often find myself slogging through research and background materials to be rewarded with 10 -12 key points and ideas. Still, I wonder: Have I constructed artificial boundaries between “fun vs. not fun,” “leisure vs. business”?

You may want to begin by asking:

• Why is this book on your desk?  Recommended by friend, colleague or senior leader?  Or a gift?
• Did you promise a specific person that you would read the book?  Why? By when?
• Will you feel “guilty” or avoid the person if you haven’t read the book? 
• Are you interested in this topic?

Now is a good time to make your life simple and decide.  Is the book important enough to read in detail or can you get by with skimming?  What is the level of conversation you are likely to have about the book’s content:  in depth?  passing comments?  If your professional circle requires that you are up to date on the latest book, follow the practice of my former colleague whose vast and timely knowledge was buoyed by subscribing to a book summary service.

Here is how getabstract describes their offering:

Our selection of titles condenses the best applicable, innovative content available in business books … from the world’s most influential authors and businessmen. Read key talking points in 10 minutes and become part of the conversation.

OK, I confess I haven’t made the leap yet. But writing this blog makes me stop and think.  Now may be a good time for me to break an outdated practice. The summaries provide a landscape of new books with key points and nuggets of new information that I will be able to read in 10-15 minutes.  What have you discovered reading this blog?

With my newfound time, I will turn to Tom Wolfe.  What will you do to create time?

Q.  When it comes to feedback my boss only tells me that I am doing well.  I wish that she would tell me some of the negatives so that I can improve.  What can I do to get accurate feedback?

A.  If you are a senior manager/leader in your firm and your boss says that you are doing a great job—please, say “Thank you. I am pleased with your assessment of my work and plan to continue on that path.”

If you are junior in your career, you can expect your manager to guide your development by providing pointed, performance-based feedback. However, as you move from junior to senior, the responsibility for your professional development becomes your own. Part of that responsibility is being alert to the feedback you receive every day. For example, you may be the proverbial fish in water unaware that it is WATER—awash in feedback from colleagues and clients (internal and external).

You have a choice:  listen up, wake up or tap into your emotional intelligence and consider:

• What happens if you push your boss to tell you the negative things that you are doing?  What is the benefit to you? What is the downside?
• What is the feedback that you actually “hear”?  Is there feedback that you deflect? “Oh, that was nothing special, just doing my job.” If yes, stop. Listen.  And say “thank you”
• Are you a perfectionist?  Never satisfied with your performance?  If yes, you may discover some helpful strategies when you read Chapter 9 of Getting There Staying There, especially the section entitled  “Are my own expectations the enemy of my accomplishments?” (page 91).

I find that my clients are accomplished and valued by their managers.  Don’t ignore everyday feedback.  You may be awash in feedback—so don’t flop around like a fish out of water.

 Q:   Help me! Each year we go to our summer home in Chilmark for three weeks.  I used to love it! But now, we have only been here four days and my brain is numbed by repetition of the same old things, the kids are getting on my nerves, and if we have to have one more dinner with the Smiths…. What am I doing here?

A:  The answer is straightforward (and maybe not what you want to hear):  be mindful. Actively notice new things.  OK?

It is likely that repetition has dulled your senses.  The image I have is the Cowardly Lion traipsing through the poisonous field of poppies and keeling over with his paws in the air.  Engage by revisiting the following:

• What was your involvement in the vacation plan?  Was the whole family involved in the planning?
• Why do you love coming to Chilmark?
• Are you still curious? Engaged? Involved?  Who have you added to your network?
• What are the habitual (non-rewarding) things that you will stop doing?  For example, having ice cream every night or going to the Bite for fried clams and chicken fingers even though the family is committed to healthy eating.
• Do you have your own schedule and opportunity for renewal/reflection? Do the kids have opportunities for adventures?  Or is your family stuck together like the Griswolds or the Klumps 24×7?  If yes, I can only ask:  Why?
• What were your expectations for this year’s vacation? Be honest:  Were you disenchanted before you left home?

You are in Chilmark, one of the most beautiful places in the world.  What can you do right now to be present and mindfully engaged?   Here is a nudge:  Did you see the  Super Moon on August 10.

Enjoy.

Q.   In May I lost my temper and my boss keeps bringing up the incident.  I have kept my emotions in check ever since but my boss won’t move on.  What can I do?

A.  Congratulations keeping your emotions in check. It seems that unexpected emotional outbursts get everyone out of sorts, while the person who yells and screams on a regular basis gets off the hook. People say, “That’s just his personality,” ignoring the disruptive effect that the behavior has not only on the group but also on the person on the receiving end of the rants/raves.

It can seem unfair that some folks get away with it while your one incident seems unshakeable.  Managing your personal brand is important here:

• What are you saying about the event?  To whom?
•  How are you behaving that provides an opportunity for your boss to keep the conversation going?
• What specific observable examples prove that you are emotionally intelligent, not emotionally volatile?  Give examples related to client engagements, work with colleagues and with your manager.

Here are a few tough questions to consider in determining if you are really managing your emotions:

• Are your emotions under your control? Are they seething below the surface? Or are you on a hair trigger, always ready to erupt?
• How much time do you spend managing your emotions? Do you meditate, take walks, or have “cool-down” strategies?
• Do you like/respect your boss?
• Are there certain people (or situations) that tick you off?

The good news is that if you address the tough questions above you can anticipate that emotions are building—visualize a thermostat reaching 90 degrees—and take actions to see the mercury sink.

Note:  How you respond is always your choice.