Q. We used to be close friends at work, but now that my friend has married I notice that she has pulled away from me. I didn’t think anything about it until she “fell and broke a tooth” and then, even on the warmest days last summer, she wore long-sleeve jackets. What can I do?
A. Thank you for asking and being concerned about your friend. The first actions of a batterer are to isolate his or her “victim” from friends and family to control them. So, the dramatic changes in your colleague’s behavior and personality are an important signal that something is amiss. Continue to be caring, supportive and non-judgmental and you may be able to create a safe haven. Let her know that you value your relationship and, if appropriate, take the following steps by asking:
- Let’s have lunch together: What do you prefer–go out, or brown bag?
- Would you like to work together on a project?
- I miss our conversations and realize that I haven’t been reaching out to you, OK if we coordinate our breaks on Wednesday and Friday?
Here is advice from professionals: 
If she tells you she’s in an abusive relationship, believe her. Give her resources she can use to get help, like a number for a domestic violence hotline. Acknowledge her fear and the risk she takes in speaking with you. If she does not wish to acknowledge the relationship, respect her right to privacy and to refuse help. Don’t force her to discuss the relationship with you if she is not ready. Don’t be judgmental, and don’t tell her to simply leave the relationship. Encourage her to get help in developing a safety plan and a safe means of escape. And above all, don’t encourage others to intervene with the abuser unless she asks for that assistance.
Note: Before the NFL player Ray Rice knocked his then-fiancée out cold in an elevator, few of us thought that violence between consenting adults was “our business.” Domestic violence is not personal, private or OK. Now that it’s under the spotlight it has sparked a conversation that is likely to cause a transformation.
I care deeply about this issue: In my former role as Assistant Secretary of Public 
Safety for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I had the opportunity to launch the Governor’s Task Force on Domestic Violence. It’s an important issue that affects millions of families every day, and a cycle that must be broken.