Question: Everyone comes to me for help and advice, but my boss tells me that I am mothering my team. It’s my nature, but now I think that it is holding me back. What should I do?

Answer: There is a big difference between mothering your team and smothering their opportunity to be responsible and accountable.  Remember the delicate balance your own mom exhibited to give you freedom to try new things, knowing that you could get hurt or fail.  A good mom stands on the sidelines cheering, but she doesn’t jump into the game. Your role as a manager is to create a safe environment where your team can take risks, learn from them and grow.

Now to your boss’s remarks. To stop mothering, consider the following:

1.  Are you micromanaging your team?
2. Are you making excuses for their lack of performance or inconsistent performance?
3. Are you defensive? Protective?
4. Who is doing the work?
5. Are you delegating appropriately?
6. What is your relationship with your manager?

Follow this link to the Financial Times article entitled:  Why we see bosses as parents.

Note:  If nurturing is your nature be yourself.  Find your authentic expression.  Your boss, team and colleagues will appreciate your compassion, willingness to listen and the time you spend guiding their development.

Question:  I keep banking my vacation and there is no good time to take it. Here comes another Memorial Day weekend stuck at home.

Answer:  “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” is an old adage that now has scientific proof behind it.  Our brains work more efficiently with rest and our performance increases when we shift our attention away from doubling down on a task and towards nature and beauty.

Accomplishing your work and meeting your responsibilities may seem like drinking water from a fire hose, but the reality is that in every business there are ebbs and flows of work.  Your job is to take a step back and assess your workflow. In fact, your ability to do this is an indicator of your mastery of your role—a prime consideration when promotions are considered. Think about the following questions:

1. What is the role of your department/organization during the first quarter? Now consider workflow and deliverables by month?
2. Second quarter? Third? Year end?
3. When do most people take vacations? Schedule your vacation– stop being the back up.
4. Have you convened a family meeting to incorporate school vacations and key events on your business calendar?

My approach is to schedule a getaway or stay-cation every quarter.  Remember that a “working vacation” is NOT a vacation: If you think that you are good at multi tasking, please take a look again at the scientific data reported in the NYT article  “Brain Interrupted”:

In fact, multitasking is a misnomer. In most situations, the person juggling e-mail, text messaging, Facebook and a meeting is really doing something called “rapid toggling between tasks,” and is engaged in constant context switching. As economics students know, switching involves costs.

Ask yourself:  what is the cost of not taking a vacation? To you? To your family and to your overall productivity? When you answer the question your reaction may be:

Question:  Should I respond to a LinkedIn request if I don’t recognize the name and the profile doesn’t even have a photo?

Answer: Thanks for your question! You have hit on one of my pet peeves. I actually have a rule: No photo, no linking in. Well, actually my approach is not that blunt. If the person has taken the time to select a moniker or avatar (in lieu of posting a photo) and if the profile is thoughtful and sophisticated, I accept the invitation. And, if it is a longtime friend who is a novice to social media, of course I accept.  For all others, I send a note back:  Thank you for reaching out. Please remind me where we met or how we know each other. And by the way, there is a glitch, your photograph is missing from your profile.

You can imagine the response I typically receive:  no response.  Your social network has value and in the same manner that you wouldn’t invite just anyone into your home, you should manage your network with the same care.  

Why? Consider the following

1. Do you know the person?
2. What is your relationship: professional? casual? never met?
3. Does the person have a complete profile?
4. How do you benefit from being associated with this person? Will the connection strengthen your brand or weaken it?

Note: I enjoy being on LinkedIn because I am a visual person and it helps me “see” my network.  From time to time, I refresh my connections by “pruning out” contacts who are unhelpful or who behave badly. What practice do you have in place?

Q: People never get my name right—what should I do? 

A:  John Travolta botched his introduction of Idina Menzel’s when he said:  Please welcome ADELA DAZEEM.  You may be tempted to follow her  Oscar winning song lyrics and “Let It Go” but that is not a good strategy.

The answer is simple—speak slowly.  If your name isn’t Bob, Maria or Tal, take the extra step to ensure that the person to whom you are speaking is not in the precarious position of pretending that they heard your name or know how to pronounce it.  For example, I applaud the thoughtfulness of the sender of an email that included a phonetic spelling of his last name:  Joel Krzyzewski (kriz-ESS-ski) And, when I met Maia she said “rhymes with fire” – believe me, I will not forget how to say her name and I will remember the positive first impression.

Consider the following:

• Do you assume that people will be able to pronounce your name?  If yes, remember what happens when you assume.
• What can you do to make your name easy for people to say?  Note:  To stop people from calling me Patricia or Phyllis I often repeat my name first slow and then fast:  Priss- SILL- ah
• What is the meaning of your name?  How did you get your name?  Note:  I am named after my mother and I discovered that

People with this name tend to be passionate, compassionate, intuitive, romantic, and to have magnetic personalities. They are usually humanitarian, broadminded and generous, and tend to follow professions where they can serve humanity

Remember that if people do not hear your name when you first meet them, they may be embarrassed to approach you.  Read that sentence again, please, and consider the consequences.

“Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Q:  I am completely fed up, I am going to quit.  What is the best way to tell them?

A:  Quit? OK, if you already have a job lined up.  But based on the tone of your question—“fed up”—it sounds as if you are making an emotional decision, not a strategic one.

Take a lesson from the movie League of Their Own where the coach, played by Tom Hanks, admonishes his female baseball player, “There’s no crying in baseball,” and consider:  There is no quitting in this economy.  If you storm out of your office you may be unemployed for months and have to settle for job below your skill level.

Quitting is never the way to begin a job search.  So, if your frustration is boiling over take a deep breath, walk around the block and put your emotions in check.  Now take a fresh look at your situation.

Consider the following:

• Are you thinking about quitting to keep from getting fired?  If yes, it is better to get fired and collect unemployment.
• What is the cause of your frustration? Have you been passed over for promotion? Do you lack clout? There are better ways to address these frustrations than walking off the field.
• What do you want to do next and do you have the reputation, experience and network to land the job you want?
• How competitive are you in the market?  What are you worth?
• What will your former employer say about you in the reference checks?  Note—let’s hope that you are not described as emotional or volatile.

A piece of advice: Every now and then you may have the thought, “I want to move on.” Quitting is not the same as moving on.  Moving to a new role, company or profession requires clear thinking and a lot of planning.  Make the most of your current situation by following the Yvonne Jackson’s C-Suite Advice in my book, Getting There & Staying There: “Bloom where you are planted “

Question:  Do your friends really know you?  Do they listen to you?

Answer:  We have all heard the blah, blah, blah that 500+ people in your social network doesn’t translate to the real world and that it is critical to cultivate a handful of real friends who really know you.  At 3:02PM EST, April 15, 2013, I was surprised.

I was conducting a coaching call that began at 3:00 when call waiting appeared not once but several times within three minutes, all with different telephone numbers.  Not wanting to interrupt the client, I glanced at the telephone numbers and recognized them all:  Katye from Indianapolis, Kathleen from Las Vegas and then Joyce from Newport Beach all calling within seconds of each other.  Finally, I placed my client on hold, answered, and was met by a rush of words:  “You are safe—I was so worried. I thought that you were at the finish line.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Don’t you know?”

No, I didn’t know. And, I didn’t know that my friends across the country knew me so well.

For over 25 years I have been at the Boston Marathon Finish Line.  I wait until the male and female winners cross the finish line, then I cycle from Heartbreak Hill.  When I arrive on Boylston Street, the prime spectator seating has thinned and the real Marathon fans replace the dignitaries in the previously reserved and now free area.  By around 3:00PM I have claimed a free seat in the bleachers—close to the street so that I can watch my bicycle.

The first bomb exploded at 2:50 EST.

Why am I telling you this story?  I was surprised that although I had never talked in detail about the Boston Marathon, my friends had been listening.  How well do your friends know and listen to you?  Consider:

•  When you are not with your friends, do they know about the activities and interests you enjoy that differ from their interests?
• What are the “blind spots” in your relationship?
• When issues/concerns arise in your conversation with friends what do you do?  Change the subject? Ask questions?
• Are you comfortable disclosing information about your personal life?

Given my love of the Marathon, why did I schedule a coaching call at 3PM? By doing so, I was breaking my “don’t work on holidays” rule.  I don’t have an answer and now I no longer wonder why I made that decision.  Today, I am thankful –and my friends are, too—that I did. 

Boston Strong.

Q:  I can’t find the right partner/collaborator to get my project off the ground. What am I doing wrong?

A:  Am I correct to assume that you are an entrepreneur? To validate review the 50 signs that indicate you “might be an entrepeneur“.   Currently working solo? If yes, are you pursuing this endeavor fulltime or are you “moonlighting”?  Please let me know.

To respond in general to your question, here are some questions to consider:

• Why do you need a partner?  Do you need financial help, or are you afraid to go out on your own?
• Are you able to describe your product, service, and idea with clarity? If no, watch the TV Show “Shark Tank.”
• Are you willing to share your idea or are you still keeping it secret?  If it’s a secret, the quality of your conversation with a future partner/collaborator will be affected.  Make certain that you and your attorney have non-disclosures in order.
• Where are you in the product life cycle:  ideation? Testing? Development? Distribution/Implementation?
• What skills, resources, or connections do you need in a partner that you do not have?
• Is it essential that your partner/collaborator shares the same vision, values, work ethic etc?

Did I trip you up with the last question?  I hope not.  Of course, you want your partner to be all in with you:  vision, values, and skin in the game.  Good luck.

Q:  Should I join Toastmasters?  My colleagues speak well “off the cuff,” but I am not a good public speaker.  I have been able to avoid it up till now, but given my new role I can’t avoid it any longer.

A.   Good speakers are not born. They prepare and practice, practice, practice.  Many of my clients have gained confidence and skills by participating in Toastmasters.  It is a proven method and you will find an empathetic group to support your professional development

At the same time, don’t miss the opportunity to develop your chops on the job, especially given that you are new to the role.   Consider what you can accomplish with the support of your colleagues, mentor and manager by being clear about the following:

• Why are you being asked to present?
• Are you the subject matter expert or does your role mean that you are the key communicator about your product, service, etc.?
• What opportunities can you create to present “parts” of your speech in a supportive environment?
• Are you worried about the content or the delivery?  If you are concerned about the content, don’t talk about something that you don’t understand or know.
• Have you written out your speech?

Avoid this common error: Do not think that just because you have polished your PowerPoint presentation you are ready to present. You can work for hours on your deck and forget to craft your opening and closing sentences.  If you want to be confident when you speak, do the homework and prepare.

Q:  I hate the term “think outside the box,” but unless we change our business processes we will not be competitive.  How do I think outside the box?

A:  I can appreciate your reaction to the term because the admonition to “think differently” seems to tell you what you are not doing instead of providing actionable direction.  I have a strong feeling that you already think differently about some things, but you may be in a rut or a cultural conundrum about your day-to-day work.  It’s easy to get trapped.  To think outside of the box requires a change of perspective.  Here are a few questions to help you see things differently:

• From the customer’s point of view, how does this process work? (For a real eye-opener, take this exercise seriously, and “map” the customer’s experience.)
• What is the context?  How does the customer use this product/service?
• What are some ideas that have been raised and not adopted?  Are the recommendations still appropriate?
• What is the elephant in the room?

To really get “out of the box,” become aware of the “box” that you are in.  I know this sounds new age-y, but take a look at your habits, patterns, likes and dislikes, things you do and don’t do.  OK—I admit almost no one follows this advice, so ask:

• What can I do that I haven’t done before?
• What interest/hobbies are on the backburner that I can pursue now?  Learn to knit? Visit a museum?  View a TedX talk on an unfamiliar topic?
• How can I shake up my routine?
• Am I changing my view by getting away from my desk for 90 minutes every day and walking around?

Finally, get inspired and, when you have an opportunity to choose, do something different.

From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.
— Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Q:  My organization is very clique-y and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. Why can’t I fit in?

A:  You are in luck today.  Everyone can claim to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day and in addition to the green beer, corn beef and cabbage we can focus on the importance of respecting that context and culture are intertwined.  Cliques are cultural phenomena that you can learn to decode to fit in.

Keeping with the spirit of the day, here is what I learned about St. Patrick:

His personal story is compelling—at sixteen he was kidnapped from Britain by Irish pirates and taken to Ireland; he was sold to a local chieftain and served six years of slavery.  He endured solitary deprivation tending swine—pigs. (That is why I have a warm place in my heart for St. Patrick: I was raised on a pig farm in the midst of a strong Irish community.) Patrick found solace in his conversation with God.

Escaping to Britain, he was called to the priesthood and returned to Ireland for his ministry.  And, it is not a myth that he used the shamrock to explain the Trinity. It’s folklore that St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland. But by speaking the language and understanding the local customs, St. Patrick successfully converted thousands and came to be known as the Apostle of Ireland.

• How well do you know the culture of your organization?
• How fluent are you in finance—the language of business?
• Do you feel like a foreigner in a foreign land?  If yes, why?
• What challenges have your overcome and what did you learn?
• Do you take the time to reflect? Meditate?
• What’s trending in your sector?
• Are you adapting and adjusting your skills and style to your context/culture?

St. Patrick’s approach remains relevant today:  he was fluent in the language, respectful of the culture and incorporated local customs into his Church teaching.  He was a foreigner in a foreign land that he embraced as his own. 

What actions are you taking to belong?