By Priscilla H. Douglas 

A:  I am overwhelmed by the endless stream of disasters—hurricanes, fires, shootings, bombings and hateful and disturbing rhetoric.   I worry what will happen next.  It is really scary. Any advice?

Q:  Yes, it seems that we have one distressful or disgraceful event every day—some of them natural and others man-made. And given that it is Halloween, we can’t escape to the movies—for once, what we see on the screen is even worse! Here in “real life,” watching the after effects of disasters rocks and shocks our emotions.  And, if you have an empathetic nature, you may be more emotionally vulnerable:  Their pain can become your pain. Your boundaries collapse into one constant stream of events and the emotions can spike and drop.  It’s almost impossible to disengage.

You probably have the same experience that I do: My cell buzzes and beeps with newsfeeds and tweets and, even though I say “Don’t look,” I do look and I find myself in the middle of a really scary scenario.  Yes, it is that bad.  Why? Social media amplifies our experiences and taps into our emotions.  I think the situation is made even worse for millennials and younger people who are so emotionally intelligent, caring and connected to the world.

The way to disengage and disconnect is easy:  Simply wake up, a lesson we can learn from the dream demon Freddy Krueger in Nightmare on Elm Street.  To stay awake, consider the following:     

• Are you willing to silence your devices at a designated time of day? Night? [I especially recommend that you don’t answer emails, Tweet, check FB, or post to Instagram etc. after 9:0O PM.]
• Are you able to be in the present moment? Mindful? Note:  Enjoy being with friends and family without using a device.
• Do you have a favorite charity? Volunteer activity?  If yes, make a connection and give back.
• Do you have meaningful conversations –with no complaining, whining, or gossiping?

Here a few actions you can take to stop the overwhelm:

• Don’t interrupt a conversation to Google or Tweet
• Delete some of the news feeds
• Make a pact with friends to not talk politics and establish a “fine” to help you stick to your word

Finally, the best way to avoid scary situations and feeling overwhelmed is to stay awake
and what ever you do:  DON’T GO DOWN INTO THE CELLAR, 

By Priscilla H. Douglas 

A:  I have been “Weinsteined” but I am too ashamed to tell my story.  My colleagues will treat me differently, right?   

Q:  I don’t think that your colleagues will treat you differently.  I think that they will listen and provide support.  As you read the “#MeToo” stories, notice the overwhelmingly positive response and support. We can thank Tarana Burke for starting the MeToo movement ten years ago and Alyssa Milano for taking it viral.  It’s possible that one of your colleagues is buoyed by the movement; it’s even possible that one, like you, has been the victim of sexual harassment or abuse.  

Women and their male allies are now contrite and disgusted that they fell prey to the workplace norm that for oh-so-many years was dismissed as “this is how it is” or “this is what it takes.”  So many of us turned a blind eye or made excuses for inappropriate touching, predatory behavior and lewd comments.  Now it seems we have passed a cultural milestone and collectively are agreeing to stop accepting excuses such as   “locker room behavior,” “she asked for it,” or “when you are a star they let you do anything.”

Now the brave actions of women and men who are ready and willing to speak are now being lauded for their courage, causing others to emerge from silence.  For example, Quentin Tarantino who collaborated with Harvey Weinstein, now wishes that he said something—did something.

Here is valuable advice and perspective from Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o. She would urge you to speak out and not let embarrassment keep you silent.  Here are her words:  

What I am most interested in now is combating the shame we go through that keeps us isolated and allows for harm to continue to be done. I wish I had known that there were women in the business I could have talked to. I wish I had known that there were ears to hear me. That justice could be served. There is clearly power in numbers. I thank the women who have spoken up and given me the strength to revisit this unfortunate moment in my past. 

…. I hope we can form a community where a woman can speak up about abuse and not suffer another abuse by not being believed and instead being ridiculed. That’s why we don’t speak up — for fear of suffering twice, and for fear of being labeled and characterized by our moment of powerlessness. …. by speaking up, speaking out and speaking together, we regain that power.

Now that we are speaking, let us never shut up about this kind of thing. 

You voice counts.   Abusers are being fired at Nickelodeon, Fidelity Investments and Amazon Studios.  More are certain to come.

You are not alone.  You will know when you are ready to tell your story.  I hope that you find your find strength as you read the countless “me too” stories.   No need to rush.  We
will be here for you.

Q:  I am not 100% at work because my mother, father, aunts and uncles are in Puerto Rico.  My work is highly detailed and I am afraid that I am going to screw up.  What can I do?  

A:  Be kind to yourself, be patient and above all don’t expect to be 100%.  As you know, I usually ask questions and rarely give advice. However, during stressful times, it is easy to lose your way and get your priorities mixed up.  So, here is my advice:  there are two things to attend to first: yourself and your loved ones.  Remember you can’t help your family if you don’t have peace of mind, your health and financial well-being.

Now is the time to turn to your manager, colleagues and friends:

• Do they know that your family is in Puerto Rico? If they do, have you provided specific information—no sugar coating—so that they can appreciate why you are concerned?
• To be at your best, do you need to take time off? How much time—don’t squeeze or underestimate, OK?  If you are making travel arrangements, be sure to add time and expect delays and inconveniences.
• Who is your back-up at work? Remember that when you successfully hand over a project to a colleague it demonstrates your management capability while providing a developmental opportunity for the other person.  

I know that the hurricanes hit your island weeks ago.  Unfortunately, it will take years to recover from the devastating impact to not only Puerto Rico but to United States Virgin Islands as well.  Prepare for the long haul and don’t expect to be 100% every day. 

Remember? Take care of yourself and your loved ones first!  And, remember that we will not forget about your beautiful homeland.  

Now, be kind and carry on. 

Q:  I just moved to Vermont and had no idea that they don’t celebrate Christopher Columbus.  I consider myself to be well informed and can’t fathom that Vermont is one of many states that do not celebrate Columbus’s arrival. Yes, we get the day off with pay, but how did I miss this one?

A:  Your question prompted me to investigate and I noticed that many cities from Minneapolis to Seattle and states from Alabama to South Dakota are choosing to celebrate native people, not Columbus. Why?  When Columbus arrived, the culture and lives of the indigenous people in the Americas were assaulted by disease, slavery and cruelty. The people of South America celebrate  Día De La Raza – day of the races – not Columbus day.

A good question to ask is, Are we trying to change history, or are we taking a broader view of actual events? Well, it depends on the perspective we take and the voices we follow. One answer can be found in the phenomenal success of Hamilton on Broadway. The performance ends with the lyrics:  “Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?”

Native Americans are putting themselves “back into the narrative.” In 2014, CBS asked “Is it time to say goodbye to Columbus Day?” and brought to our attention that Columbus wasn’t a good guy.  We now know that he committed atrocities such as chopping off the hands of Native Americans to control and punish them. Even before this came to light, there has always been controversy around Columbus, given the disruptive effect of his arrival.  In 1977, noting the irreversible effect of Columbus’s arrival, the United Nations took up the cause of modifying his place in history:  

Indigenous Peoples Day began in 1977 at the United Nations-sponsored International Conference on Discrimination Against Indigenous Populations in the America.

So, I join you in wondering why I didn’t know about this movement which has been underway since the nineteenth century.  Here are a few questions to consider:

• Is history static and fixed?
• Does it make a difference who writes and tells the history?
• Do I change my viewpoint as I become more informed and knowledgeable?
• Am I able to appreciate different perspectives?
• What are the changes in “history” that have occurred in my lifetime?  Perception of LGBTQ? Single parents?
• What change(s) seem to be “too much” or “unwarranted”?  For example, what about removing historical monuments?
• What “voices” and “faces” seem to be missing from the history books?  Note—Consider the mathematical geniuses in the movie “Hidden Figures.”

Here is an important view to take into consideration: 

As for the reasons behind the push for change, here’s what Lakota activist Bill Means told Minnesota Public Radio back in 2014, when Minneapolis adopted Indigenous Peoples Day:

“We discovered Columbus, lost on our shores, sick, destitute, and wrapped in rags. We nourished him to health, and the rest is history,” Means told MPR. “He represents the mascot of American colonialism in the Western Hemisphere. And so, it is time that we change a myth of history.”

Finally, you don’t have to decide whether you agree or disagree with the movement underway.  I, like you, will strive to stay informed and be open and continue to ask:  Who lives, who dies, who writes the story.

Q:  I caught my boss in a flat out lie and frankly I was so shocked that I said nothing.  When I looked up, everyone’s eyes were on me, waiting for me to say something.  What should I do?

A:  When I was a kid I believed that if I told a lie my nose would grow just like Pinocchio’s. Serial lying would result in donkey ears and a tail and I would be shipped away from my family.  A lie was a lie—no quibbling, wordsmithing, normalizing, or psychologizing—and telling a lie had serious consequences.  

Pinocchio no longer seems to serve as an effective cautionary tale.  We have seen a steady stream of prominent individuals tell boldface lies and not suffer the Pinocchio consequences.  It shouldn’t surprise us that individuals who populate organizations take their lies with them; those lies can become embedded in the corporate culture: Cigarettes do not cause lung cancer, Takada Airbag explosions are rare anomalies, the Samsung Galaxy 7 is safe.

The next level is global.  We usually call lies perpetuated by countries propaganda but, at their core, an individual or group of individuals is lying:  the Chinese melamine “milk” scandal, Rohingya displacement and genocide, South African black diamond trade, and Saudi Arabia’s current involvement in Yemen.

Robust pressure from Saudi Arabia killed similar efforts two years ago. Last year, Saudi Arabia also got its name scrubbed from an annual United Nations list of countries that kill and maim children in war. 

The latest United Nations human rights report, released in early September, found that Saudi-led coalition airstrikes continued to be the “leading cause” of civilian deaths, including child deaths.

There are so many examples that I feel compelled to cite more because lies can cement and subvert group behavior.  For example, it took a village of people in collusion—coaches, players, families, and the NCAA—to engage in a complicated scheme of lies designed to make millions steering athletes to attend specific schools and to wear Adidas gear: 

After the charges were announced, Adidas said it had just learned of Gatto’s arrest. “We’re unaware of any misconduct and will fully cooperate with authorities to understand more,” the company said in a statement. 

And, unfortunately, lying seems to be the most frequently selected arrow in the communications quiver of the current occupant of the White House.  No need to say more because I know that you know a lie when you hear it. Right?

A lie requires silence; when individuals remain silent the lie takes hold and can grow. Social media acts as an accelerant, allowing the lie to consume facts, truth and morality. 

Consider your tolerance for lies by answering these questions before making your next move:

• Are you willing to allow your “silence” to be viewed as agreement? Are lies the linchpin holding your work environment together? Think subprime mortgage crisis or “the London Whale”

[Javier Martin-Artajo] the French national said he had been “instructed repeatedly” by senior management in the CIO to execute the trading strategy that caused the losses.

• Going forward, will you be part of the problem or will you be part of the solution?
• Will you speak or be silent?

You may think I overuse the work “lie,” but I do so deliberately. Using synonyms and euphemisms takes the sting and shame out of lying.  Don’t let liars off the hook. Call it what it is.

By Priscilla H. Douglas

Q:   Over the last year I thought I was having open and direct conversations with my colleague, but now I find that we are on opposite sides. I am shocked! How can I ever trust this person?

A: Now is the perfect time to examine how open and direct your communication style really is. You might ask:

• How much time am I talking?
• How much time do I listen?
• Am I listening to confirm what I already know or am I listening to learn something new?
• Do I catch myself waiting for my turn to talk? Note: If you are waiting for your turn to talk, it is like a double fault in tennis: (1) you are not open and (2) you are probably not listening.

Continuing the tennis metaphor, it’s helpful to view conversations as a tennis match: Hit the ball over the net and wait for the ball to return. Conversations should be a well-timed give and take, back and forth. And with that framework in mind, consider your conversations with your colleague: Perhaps you hit the ball over the net by expressing your views, for example, on climate change or tax reform.   And maybe you didn’t wait for your colleague to return the ball. Imagine that you kept throwing your own ball up into the air and hitting it across the net — crazy, huh?

We are facing complex issues that beg for serious dialogue and debate based on the artful appreciation of facts. Avoid trying to rush conversations to make a point if you do so you will miss the opportunity to see, hear and integrate “new” points of views. However, in our day to day rush, its easy to double fault — we lose the serve and the point — because: 

1. Most people simply don’t listen, and
2. We don’t allow people who have different views a “safe space” to air them.

Remember: The quickest way to build trust is to listen. 

By Priscilla H. Douglas

Q:  I mentioned the Ta Nehisi Coates Atlantic article entitled “The First White President” to my colleague and she said, “Everyone is not a racist.”  What? Where did that come from?  Why can’t we talk about race?

A:  I have been left speechless by similar responses and I, too, have been struggling to find a way to talk about race.  It seems to me that race is and has been the smelly elephant in the room. And, when topics are raised and a racial motivation is part of the explanation we—Whites, Blacks, Latinos and Asians—literally do not have the language, facts and common experiences to express and convey our views.  The combination of an emotionally loaded topic and limited language usually explodes like a stink bomb—leaving people with sincere motives looking for ways to clean up after the conversation and avoid future ones.  Ugh.

We don’t talk about race because we don’t know how.

Initially reluctant, I have been trying out a few conversations with my friends because the time is ripe for authentic communications.  When I talk to my friends, I say “What I have discovered is that I as a human being I am racist” —which means that as human beings I –we—identify first with people who are like me.  Makes sense.  We do so because we are born into a family, a situation, and our racial identity is determined by that group. It is a positive and social thing to do.

Then, once we know who we are and how we belong in the world, we determine our relationship to others.  We can be our brother’s keeper or we can laud our superiority, thus falling from the neutral human condition of racial identification into the negative meaning of the word “racist”:  casting one race as inferior to another.

I am searching for answers—will you join me?  Here are a few questions that I have been thinking about and I invite you to consider:

• In what ways does my racial identity hold me back or give me an advantage?
• Are “other people” getting ahead at the expense of “my race”?
• Do I see myself as a victim or the beneficiary of affirmative action?
• Would my economic situation or professional opportunities be different if I did not have to compete with “others”—people of different races?
• Is my social circle homogeneous or diverse?
• What stereotypes shape who I trust? Who I think is smart? Who I think is hard working? Who I think is a free-loader?

Take a look at this extraordinary PBS series—Race the Power of An Illusion”  and try your  hand at sorting people by their appearance and then put yourself into the day to day experience of people who are not like you.

Remember that race is a concept constructed in language. I am coming to believe that our failure to talk about race is related to the fact that we have reached the limits of our language.  Collectively we are moving away from traditional “race” categories the same way that we have gender. With the help of 23andMe or Ancestry.com our DNA analysis reveals that color isn’t the sole determinant of our identity which is causing many to utter the words of Walt Whitman: 

        Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.

Lets take up this charge and initiate a new conversation that contradicts the current discourse.  What is the conversation that we can begin that will allow us to talk about this critically important topic?

By Priscilla H. Douglas

Q: I get pushed, elbowed and bushwhacked by backpacks on the subway. I get the finger more often than I use my windshield wipers when driving.

Every year brings a new low. It’s awful!  Are people just mean?

A: People are not always mean.  In my opinion it takes a conscious decision to be mean. “Meanness” is directed—it actually has a target.  Getting elbowed or bushwhacked may not be the result of a conscious act—deliberately aimed at you–   instead, it may be the opposite:  unconscious and not directed personally at you. This isn’t meanness, just thoughtlessness.

I know that my answer doesn’t make getting the finger feel better, but my attention is drawn to countless acts of kindness that I see when people interact following a natural disaster such as a hurricane or wildfire, or when a tragic death or diagnosis occurs.  A catastrophic event shifts our attention, our actions, our emotions and how we relate in an instant.

Think back to the shock, sadness and despair of September 11, 2001. On that day, people were kind to each other and no one was a stranger.  You probably have the same images seared into your memory that I have:  The plane hitting the second Tower and the ghostly people covered in soot and ash helping each other.  On that day we witnessed caring, compassion and thousands of acts of kindness.  We were one nation and we were indivisible.  When this happens, people are not mean; they act with kindness and compassion.

You don’t need to wait for a tragedy to be kind. Ask yourself:

• Did I hold the door open and allow a person to enter?
• How many times have I said “thank you” today?
• Am I practicing “random acts of kindness”?
• How quickly did I stop and turn off the negative/judgmental thought I had about a person? Note:  Your actions are correlated with your thoughts and you can’t hide what you are thinking.

Two final actions that you can take to stamp out meanness:  (1) be kind to yourself; and (2) smile—it is contagious.  When you connect to you—and when you smile and interact with another—you will be a beacon of kindness.

“We built railroads, and highways; the Hoover Dam, the Golden Gate Bridge together.   We sent my grandfathers generation to college on the GI Bill together.  

We instituted a minimum wage and worker safety laws together.  Together, we touched the surface of the moon, unlocked the mystery of the atom, connected the world through our own science and imagination.

 We did these things together not because they benefited any particular individual  or group, but because they made us all richer.  

Because they gave us all opportunity.  Because they moved us forward together as one people, as one nation.”  

President Barack Obama

We work hard.  And  yes, we work together.

Labor Day we pause to celebrate the collective actions of those who paved the way.  Let us always remember that it is our ability to cooperate, colloborate, innovate with grit and imagination that brings us together to propel America forward.

Happy Labor Day!

A:  I have been appalled by the lack of leadership on what should be a red line regarding Nazis and white supremacists.   Where are the leaders?

Q:  Don’t make the mistake of confusing the trappings of power—for example, the White House, the Senate or your corporate headquarters —with the center of leadership.  Positional leaders may have the authority that comes from their place in the hierarchy but in today’s social networked world they no longer hold all of the power.

Remember that to lead means to guide on a way—especially by going in advance.  A stellar example of taking the lead is Merck CEO Kenneth Frazier:

 I am resigning from the Presidents American Manufacturing Council.

Our country’s strength stems from its diversity and the contributions made by men and women of different faiths, races, sexual orientations and political believes.  Americans leaders must honor our fundamental values by clearly rejecting expressions of hatred, bigotry and group supremacy, which run counter to the American ideal that all people are created equal.

As CEO of Merck and as a matter of personal conscience. I feel a responsibly to take a stand against intolerance and extremism.

The exodus began with Merck CEO Kenneth Frazier on Monday, who said, “As CEO of Merck and as a matter of personal conscience, I feel a responsibility to take a stand against intolerance and extremism.”

Other  executives joined Frazier in resigning but remember, he was the first to do so—the others followed, still leading by example.

Another outstanding example of leaders is the action of the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  They broke ranks with the President on July 27 when Trump blindsided all of the military personnel including a vacationing General Mattis by banning transgender people from the military.

And, following Charlottesville, the Joint Chief of Staff for the Army, General Mark Milley, tweeted at 4:50 AM that the Army doesn’t tolerate racism, extremism “or hatred in our ranks. It’s against our values and everything we’ve stood for since 1775.”

This is the second time the Joint Military Chiefs have stepped forward

“Americans fought fascism and crushed the Nazis in World War II, and anyone who waves a Nazi flag on our soil is, by very definition, anti-American.”

Leadership examples abound and are evident in all areas.  The members of the President’s Committee on the Arts and Humanities resigned en masse, stating the following:

Speaking truth to power is never easy, Mr. President. But it is our role as commissioners on the PCAH to do so. Art is about inclusion. The Humanities include a vibrant free press. You have attacked both. You released a budget which eliminates arts and culture agencies. You have threatened nuclear war while gutting diplomacy

Carmen De Lavallade

funding. The administration pulled out of the Paris agreement, filed an amicus brief undermining the Civil Rights Action, and attacked our brave trans service members. You have subverted equal protections, and are committed to banning Muslims and refugee women and children from our great country. This does not unify the nation we love.

In previous posts, I remind my readers and coaching clients that we are all leaders.  Even when it looks like we are following, we have actually made the choice to follow—which is also the act of a leader (as the resignations following Kenneth Frazier’s prove).   Leadership and followership are one in the same.  So, here are three simple rules that guide me to leaders:

• Do I trust them?
• Will they keep their word?
• Do we share the same vision for the future?

If you are not seeing that leaders are all around, you may want to zero in on your criteria.

“Freedom, by definition, is people realizing

that they are their own leaders.”

Diane Nash